GROWTH OPPORTUNITY AND TOXIC POSITIVITY

Last week I came across a striking sentence in Rabbi Mordechai Ginsbury’s book, The Jigsaw Puzzle of Life: a Rabbi’s Perspective. In his chapter bearing the title “From Bitter to Better: Silver Linings and Positive Outcomes” he writes:

It would be an extremely foolish and unfeeling person who would try to extend comfort to an individual suffering in the grip of a painful, traumatic episode by suggesting that “this is a growth opportunity and you should be grateful for it”.

On the face of it, suggestions of this nature do seem brutal. But are they? And should they be?

One of the most popular genres of literature in our times is the inspirational book. This genre, which clearly sells well in airport terminal bookshops, directs its advice to that morsel of personality that occupies a space in our psyche and tells us that, one way or another, we simply don’t have what it takes to conquer the challenges that face us. These books start by telling us that the solution to our problems lies within ourselves. Once we understand our power to overcome adversity, all we have to do is identify our problems, face them fair and square, declare that nothing is going to get the better of our indomitable spirit and then, quite simply, succeed.

Turning the pages of these inspirational texts, it is hard to miss stories and anecdotes describing the courage and the determination of our fellow humans who have overcome their disadvantages and indeed their personal tragedies, turning the minuses in their lives into glorious pluses. The tradition of telling these stories is probably as old as time themselves, and many are embedded in our own Jewish tradition. Even apart from that, in my own childhood I was told many times of the courage of Douglas Bader, a heroic fighter pilot even after he suffered the amputation of both legs, and Helen Keller, who overcame the loss of her sight and hearing as a baby yet refused to be beaten by these crushing disabilities. I sometimes felt not so much inspired by these stories as inadequate and intimidated.

What does Pirkei Avot have to offer the scenario depicted by Rabbi Ginsbury? Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar (Avot 4:23) addresses the issue thus:

אַל תְּרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרֶֽךָ בְּשַֽׁעַת כַּעֲסוֹ, וְאַל תְּנַחֲמֵֽהוּ בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁמֵּתוֹ מֻטָּל לְפָנָיו, וְאַל תִּשְׁאַל לוֹ בְּשַֽׁעַת נִדְרוֹ, וְאַל תִּשְׁתַּדֵּל לִרְאוֹתוֹ בְּשַֽׁעַת קַלְקָלָתוֹ

Do not appease your friend in his moment of rage; do not comfort him while his dead still lies before him; do not question him about a serious commitment at the moment he is making it; and do not try to see him in his time of degradation.

It would be shortsighted to regard this teaching as pointing to four isolated instances in which one should keep one’s mouth shut and refrain from saying anything. Rather, there is an overarching principle: when dealing on any occasion and under any circumstances with other people whose feelings are likely to be strained, stop yourself and think whether it is wise to say anything at all.

If we look at the four situations in Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar’s mishnah, what do we see? There is something of a pattern:

·         Placating someone who is angry is the pursuit of peace, a policy endorsed by Hillel at Avot 1:12;

·         Comforting the bereaved, nichum aveilim, is not just a mitzvah but an established practice in every civilized society;

·         Questioning the wisdom of a friend’s vows and commitments is one of the responsibilities of any true friend towards another. We should not allow ourselves to be without such a friend and should make an effort to acquire one (Yehoshua ben Perachyah, Avot 1:6);

·         Supporting someone who has just suffered shame or humiliation is a true measure of friendship, as indicated immediately above.

Each of things listed is good in itself. However, the benefit of each of these actions is conferred not by its performance alone but by the combination of the action and the right time for performing it.

Going back to Rabbi Ginsbury’s example, the advice to a friend who has experienced a personal disaster, that “this is a growth opportunity and you should be grateful for it”, may well be perfectly true. The skill is in knowing when to say it—just as it is important to know when to tell a person, “Don’t worry, everything that happens is for the best” and when to refrain from doing so. Interviewed in Gila Ross’s new book, Unbroken, mental health counsellor Rachel Tuchman warns against the phenomenon of what she calls “toxic positivity”—a term I’ve not previously encountered in the writings of commentators on Avot. This she describes as going one step beyond healthy optimism, effectively denying that people are permitted to grieve and to experience pain. The principles of Pirkei Avot, though expressed very differently, would appear to be in agreement.

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