WHEN IT’S RUDE TO ANSWER THE PHONE

In terms of modern etiquette, making and taking calls—particularly on smartphones—has developed its own set of behaviours. Often we can identify a caller, which gives us the option of letting the phone continue to ring, dismissing the call or answering it. Video calls can be accepted as such or only as audio calls, depending on one’s mood, location and respectability of appearance. We can put one person on hold while we speak to someone else, and so on. If we guess why the caller is trying to contact us, we can decline the call but send an instant message by text or voice in order to anticipate the need to talk at all.

Sometimes a caller is offended by the response of the person called, where it is not the hoped-for one. One such situation arises when the recipient answers the phone, only to tell the caller that he or she is far too busy to speak and then terminating the call. Many people find this behaviour unacceptably rude. “Why bother answering my call,” they complain, “when they don’t have the time to deal with me?” It’s insulting and suggests that the caller is of no worth at all.  Rabbi Shimshon Dovid Pincus (introduction to She’arim beTefillah) tells us that there is no greater honour that we can bestow upon others than the gift of our time. To deny another person one’s time is therefore the greatest snub one can administer. All this means that it is better not to answer at all than to answer with the “I’ve no time” response.

The position described in the previous paragraph is understandable—but is it best practice?

In the first place it is not correct to assume that, if giving another one’s time is the greatest honour, then not giving one’s time is the greatest insult. The opposite of giving honour (more accurately its negative) is simply not giving honour, ust as the opposite of giving someone an ice-cream is not giving someone an ice-cream. In each case, whether the negative of a particular act is good, bad or quite neutral is a value judgement based on other criteria.

Secondly, in Pirkei Avot we learn from Yehoshua ben Perachyah that we should not be inclined to presume the worst in other people. He teaches (Avot 1:6):

הֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת

Judge every person on the scale of merit.

This means giving others the benefit of the doubt in situations in which their behaviour, though objectively unacceptable or even inexcusable, may in fact be justified by circumstances of which we have no knowledge.  This principle is underlined by a teaching of Hillel later in the same tractate (Avot 2:4):

אַל תָּדִין אֶת חֲבֵרָךְ עַד שֶׁתַּגִּֽיעַ לִמְקוֹמוֹ

Do not judge your fellow until you have stood in his place. 

If we are honest with ourselves we will concede that, however annoying it is when others have answered your call only to tell you they can’t deal with you now, it is something we have quite likely done to others without feeling any sense of guilt. Common instances of this are where, for example,

The caller is phoning at a time other than one which you have told him you are free to talk;

You know that the caller will call repeatedly if you don’t answer the call or dismiss it;

The call is coming in just before Shabbat and you are frantically juggling a set of immediate commitments;

You know that the caller seeks to repeat a request that you have already refused and that nothing will come from discussing the matter again until there is a change in circumstances.

If we feel quite justified do this ourselves, we should be prepared to accept that others may feel exactly the same way.

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