A good telling off? No way!

One of the mitzvot in the Torah that is often if not usually difficult to pull off without causing damage is that of rebuking people who are doing something wrong (Vayikra/Leviticus 19:17). This is because the reaction of the person being rebuked is frequently unpredictable, irrational or downright offensive. Many people prefer to leave rebukes to others; for many generations it has been said that "we live in a generation that no longer knows how to rebuke" -- though the Pele Yo'etz felt that it is was the other way round: we have lost the art of being rebuked.

I recently found an interesting thought on this topic that emanates from the Divrei Chacham Tzvi. The polite way to suggest to someone that they are doing something wrong -- particularly if that person is a parent or one's rabbi, whom one should be at pains not to contradict -- is to ask them a question, posed in abstract terms, about the conduct one wishes to draw to their attention. This question would run along the lines of "can you please teach me the halachah (the Jewish legal position) regarding such-and-such?" Ideally, in giving the correct answer to this question, the "offender" would suddenly realize that the answer applied to him or her and would instantly refrain from whatever should not have been done.

"What has this to do with Pirkei Avot?", you may be wondering. The answer lies at Avot 4:1 in the maxim of Ben Zoma: "Who is wise? The person who learns from everyone". This is said here to apply to a person who has the capacity to "learn" from everyone by asking them for a ruling when he or she is actively involved in rebuking them.

This explanation is pretty certainly not what Ben Zoma had in mind. However, it has the highly positively effect of encouraging people to administer rebukes to anyone and everyone who may need them, irrespective of rank and status. It also emphasises the importance of putting people back on the right course in their religious commitments.

In terms of practical application, this explanation is bound to be narrow. While it applies where a person is making an error under Jewish law, it is not easy to see how it could be made to apply in situations where human behaviour involves choosing between a range of possible options.

A good telling-off?

The sixth chapter of Pirkei Avot contains (at Avot 6:6) a list of 48 things that aid a person to acquire Torah. These include the need to love rebuke -- a topic that is worth looking at a little more closely.

For many people, being rebuked by others can be a painful experience. The fact that the person who administers the rebuke loves the person who receives it and cares greatly for their welfare makes no difference. This is perfectly natural. A child will frequently cry when told off by a parent, even in gentle tones, and a teenager may explode with anger: these reactions are innate and remain with us in later life, though we ideally learn to control them as we become more mature.

Not all rebukes are received in the same way. A person learning to drive may receive a stern admonition from the driving instructor along the lines of “What on earth do you think you were doing just then? Do that again and you could do yourself serious harm and even kill yourself!” The response to such a rebuke is usually one of gratitude which is genuinely felt and sincerely expressed. However, when we are seeking to perform a mitzvah and a stranger rebukes us even quite gently for doing it incorrectly, our response is often quite different. A whole range of possible responses flashes through our minds. For example:

(i) “this is what I’ve always done in the past and no-one has ever told me before that it’s wrong;”

(ii) “this is how my rabbi/teacher/friend said I should do it, so it’s not my fault;”

(iii) “what makes you think you are right and I am wrong anyway?” or

(iv) “it’s none of your business what I do or how I do it.”

It is only when all the other options have been considered and rejected that we might concede that we were in need of rebuke and then try to summon up some begrudging gratitude.

If we are honest with ourselves, this contrast between our reactions to the rebuke of the driving instructor and that of the stranger in the examples given above pinpoints a failure in our own priorities. The avoidance of errors when we drive, however commendable, is a matter that concerns our physical integrity in this world. However, our ability to perform a mitzvah or escape from transgressing an averah may have repercussions for the eternal status of a Jewish soul in the World to Come.

On this basis we should welcome the rebuke from the stranger with at least as much warmth as we welcome the guidance of our driving instructor. We should feel happy to be rebuked, love those who rebuke us and take each reproof as a reminder that we should not rely entirely on our own intellectual resources. And if a person can truly say that he loves the Torah, it is reasonable to assume that this love will rub off on to someone who points him back on to any path of Torah learning from which he has wandered.

Everyone makes mistakes—even the greatest and wisest of people—and this has been the lot of mankind since the Creation. However, anyone who truly values the greatness of his Torah learning will welcome being put right. Acting positively in response to a rebuke that one has received may also constitute the mitzvah of repentance.

Jewish sages throughout the ages have added their own perspectives to the issue of rebuke. For example, If there is no one else around to do the job for him, a person should love to rebuke himself, and also love to administer rebukes to others and not worry that this requirement is in conflict with an earlier item on the list of 48 items, that one must be loved by others. It is easy to make oneself unpopular by telling others that they are making mistakes; it is far simpler to smile winningly at them, retaining their friendship and thinking to oneself “I’m all right, even if they aren’t. Why should I risk incurring their wrath by telling them?” This is not the way to behave if you love another person, and this is why a good parent is prepared to risk a flood of tears from an infant rather than condone the eating of sugar-laden confectionery at bedtime and after the child’s teeth have been thoroughly brushed for the night ahead.

Finally, we should note that it is not “rebuke” that one should love, but “rebukes.” If the use of the plural indicates some sort of inclusivity, maybe this is because it embraces both rebukes that are justified and those that are not. The person who issues a rebuke may not be in full possession of the mitigating facts that justify an action that is superficially worthy of reprimand—but the recipient of his words should love the rebuke regardless since it is a sign that the person who administers it cares enough about him to say what he says. After all, anyone who is seriously trying to get things right when rebuking another cannot do so before he overcomes other two obstacles that Avot itself places in his path: he has first to judge another without being in that person’s shoes and must then make an effort to judge that person’s words or actions favourably if he can.

A closing thought is that, from time to time, people err in the opposite direction by giving credit where it is not due or praise where it has not been deserved. Some people are quite content to be on the receiving end of these mistakes. Should they not then be consistent and be equally happy to accept unwarranted criticism?

Loving rebukes: what does this mean?

One of the 48 ways of acquiring Torah, listed in Avot 6:6, is "loving rebukes". Most commentaries have relatively little to say about the fascinating topic of tochachah, so I've put some thoughts of my own in writing, drawing on traditional Torah scholarship too. My thoughts (so far) run along the following lines:

For many people, being rebuked by others can be a painful experience. The fact that the person who administers the rebuke loves the person who receives it and cares greatly for their welfare makes no difference. This is perfectly natural. A child will frequently cry when told off by a parent, even in gentle tones, and a teenager may explode with anger: these reactions are innate and remain with us in later life, though we ideally learn to control them as we become more mature. 

Not all rebukes are received in the same way. A person learning drive may receive a stern admonition from the driving instructor along the lines of “What you just did was really careless. If you do that again, you could do yourself serious harm and even kill yourself”. The response to such a rebuke is usually one of gratitude which is genuinely felt and sincerely expressed. However, when we are seeking to perform a mitzvah and a stranger rebukes us for doing it incorrectly, our response is often quite different. A whole range of possible responses flashes through our minds. For example: (i) “this is what I’ve always done in the past and no-one has ever complained before”; (ii) “this is how my rabbi/teacher/chavruta said I should do it, so it’s not my fault”; (iii) “what makes you think you are right and I am wrong anyway?”  It is only when all the other options have been considered and rejected that we might concede that we were in need of rebuke  and then try to summon up some begrudging gratitude. 

If we are honest with ourselves, this contrast between our reactions to the rebuke of the driving instructor and that of the stranger pinpoints a failure in our own priorities. The avoidance of errors when we drive, however commendable, is a matter that concerns our physical integrity in this World. However, our ability to perform a mitzvah or escape from transgressing an averah may have repercussions for the eternal life of a Jewish soul in the World to Come. On this basis we should welcome the rebuke from the stranger with at least as much warmth as we welcome the guidance of our driving instructor. We should feel happy.  And if a person can truly say that he loves the Torah, it is reasonable to assume that this love will rub off on to someone who points him back on to any path of Torah learning from which he has wandered.

Everyone makes mistakes—even the greatest chacham, armed with a vast array of Torah learning—and this has been the lot of man since the Creation. However, someone who truly values the greatness of his Torah learning and will welcome being put right. Acting on a rebuke that one has received may also constitute the mitzvah of repentance.

A person should love to rebuke himself, and also love to administer rebukes to others  and not worry that this requirement is in conflict with an earlier item on the list, that one must be loved by others.  It is easy to make oneself unpopular by telling others that they are making mistakes; it is far simpler to smile winningly at them, retaining their friendship and thinking to oneself “I’m all right, even if they aren’t. Why should I risk incurring their wrath by telling them?” This is not the way to behave if you love another person, and this is why a good parent is prepared to risk a flood of tears from an infant rather than condone the eating of candies at bedtime and after the child’s teeth have been brushed for the night.

If you have any comments or reflections on the foregoing, do please share them!