WHEN IT’S RUDE TO ANSWER THE PHONE

In terms of modern etiquette, making and taking calls—particularly on smartphones—has developed its own set of behaviours. Often we can identify a caller, which gives us the option of letting the phone continue to ring, dismissing the call or answering it. Video calls can be accepted as such or only as audio calls, depending on one’s mood, location and respectability of appearance. We can put one person on hold while we speak to someone else, and so on. If we guess why the caller is trying to contact us, we can decline the call but send an instant message by text or voice in order to anticipate the need to talk at all.

Sometimes a caller is offended by the response of the person called, where it is not the hoped-for one. One such situation arises when the recipient answers the phone, only to tell the caller that he or she is far too busy to speak and then terminating the call. Many people find this behaviour unacceptably rude. “Why bother answering my call,” they complain, “when they don’t have the time to deal with me?” It’s insulting and suggests that the caller is of no worth at all.  Rabbi Shimshon Dovid Pincus (introduction to She’arim beTefillah) tells us that there is no greater honour that we can bestow upon others than the gift of our time. To deny another person one’s time is therefore the greatest snub one can administer. All this means that it is better not to answer at all than to answer with the “I’ve no time” response.

The position described in the previous paragraph is understandable—but is it best practice?

In the first place it is not correct to assume that, if giving another one’s time is the greatest honour, then not giving one’s time is the greatest insult. The opposite of giving honour (more accurately its negative) is simply not giving honour, ust as the opposite of giving someone an ice-cream is not giving someone an ice-cream. In each case, whether the negative of a particular act is good, bad or quite neutral is a value judgement based on other criteria.

Secondly, in Pirkei Avot we learn from Yehoshua ben Perachyah that we should not be inclined to presume the worst in other people. He teaches (Avot 1:6):

הֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת

Judge every person on the scale of merit.

This means giving others the benefit of the doubt in situations in which their behaviour, though objectively unacceptable or even inexcusable, may in fact be justified by circumstances of which we have no knowledge.  This principle is underlined by a teaching of Hillel later in the same tractate (Avot 2:4):

אַל תָּדִין אֶת חֲבֵרָךְ עַד שֶׁתַּגִּֽיעַ לִמְקוֹמוֹ

Do not judge your fellow until you have stood in his place. 

If we are honest with ourselves we will concede that, however annoying it is when others have answered your call only to tell you they can’t deal with you now, it is something we have quite likely done to others without feeling any sense of guilt. Common instances of this are where, for example,

The caller is phoning at a time other than one which you have told him you are free to talk;

You know that the caller will call repeatedly if you don’t answer the call or dismiss it;

The call is coming in just before Shabbat and you are frantically juggling a set of immediate commitments;

You know that the caller seeks to repeat a request that you have already refused and that nothing will come from discussing the matter again until there is a change in circumstances.

If we feel quite justified do this ourselves, we should be prepared to accept that others may feel exactly the same way.

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Having a care for another's prayer

 One of the less-discussed provisions of Pirkei Avot is the first of Rabbi Shimon ben Netanel's three teachings at Avot 2:18:

Be careful in recitation of the Shema and tefillah (prayer).

The three paragraphs of the Shema are a fundamental element of Jewish belief. Among other things, they affirm the existence and the unity of God, the principle of rewarding adherence to His commandments and punishing disobedience to them and His instrumental role in bringing the Jewish people out of Egypt so that He could be their God. As for tefillah, this word is the mishnaic shorthand for the standard template of the morning, afternoon and evening prayers.

What does this teaching actually teach?

Why should Rabbi Shimon ben Netanel take the trouble to teach us to take care over these recitations, given their universally acknowledged importance in the Jewish world? And what use is this teaching if it tells us to be careful but doesn't tell us how? Is it not a bit like telling someone to be careful how they cross the road -- something we should all do and which is so obvious -- but without giving any hints or guidance as to how best to do this?

Many commentators struggle to find anything exciting to say about this part of the mishnah. Indeed the Rambam, Alshich, Chida and Rabbi Chaim Volozhin are among those who say nothing at all.

The Meiri and the Maharal take it as an introduction to the second teaching in this mishnah, that one's tefillah should not be recited by rote but should be said with passion and feeling. The Rashba, Sforno and Rabbi S. R. Hirsch read it as a wake-up call, to remind us of God's greatness, thereby enhancing feelings of gratitude and fear of sin.

The Bartenura, the commentary ascribed to Rashi and the Anaf Yosef take it to mean that these two recitations should be made at the right time for doing so. According to the Me'am Lo'ez, this means ringfencing one's time for these recitations so that not even one's Torah studies will encroach upon them.

Still on the theme of time, some rabbis had a slightly different text before them, as Tosafot Yom Tov observes. Rabbenu Yona's text stated that one should be more careful when reciting the Shema, since the window of time for its optimal recitation is shorter than that for tefillah.

A novel explanation

Rabbi Shimon ben Netanel's words are susceptible of a wider interpretation. This is because, while they urge us to take care in the recitation of the Shema and tefillah, they do not specify whose Shema and tefillah they mean. They need not be limited to one's own devotion. What does this mean?

Two days ago, while I was reciting my own Shema in a local synagogue, a charity collector was working his way round the congregation to solicit funds. His stated aim (which will itself be the subject of a later post) was laudable: he was soliciting funds for the relief of Ukrainian refugees who are currently pouring into Israel (by mid-March the figure had topped 12,000, of whom the majority are not Jews). The collector's enthusiasm was so great that he pushed a printed notice bearing details of his cause right into my face and brought my recitation to a halt. Had he noticed that I, together with the rest of the congregation, was reciting the Shema, he might have held off for a few moments until we had finished. As it was, my normally adequate focus on the Shema was lost; I had involuntarily replaced it with a review of Avot 1:6 and the need to judge other people in accordance with their merits.

So much for taking care of other people's Shema. The need to take care of other people's tefillah is far more frequently relevant. Anyone who prays in a synagogue these days will know how often one's silent prayer is punctuated by the sound of ringtones of phones left unmuted by their owners, by the impatient drumming of fingers against the furniture by those who, having finished their own prayers quickly, are impatient to progress to the next part of the service, and by congregants who imagine that, if they drift to the back of the prayer hall, their conversations cannot be heard by those at the front.

Within the literature of our sages I have yet to find any support for such a wide application of Rabbi Shimon ben Netanel's words. I do however take comfort from the fact that neither have I found anything to challenge it. In the meantime, if anyone has found a sure way of being able to retain their focus on their tefillah when their thoughts must compete with the stirring sound of a bugle call from a nearby smartphone, can they please let me know.