Middot at war 4: dealing with death

Death is a virtually inevitable consequence of warfare, whether brought about by the use of weapons, disruption of healthcare services, suicide or anything else. While Pirkei Avot makes numerous references to being judged after one’s death and to the World to Come, it has relatively little to say about how we—mourners, survivors and comforters—should go about our task.

R’ Shimon ben Elazar (Avot 4:23) does however have some practical guidance for us, teaching us this:

אַל תְּרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרֶֽךָ בְּשַֽׁעַת כַּעֲסוֹ, וְאַל תְּנַחֲמֵֽהוּ בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁמֵּתוֹ מֻטָּל לְפָנָיו, וְאַל תִּשְׁאַל לוֹ בְּשַֽׁעַת נִדְרוֹ, וְאַל תִּשְׁתַּדֵּל לִרְאוֹתוֹ בְּשַֽׁעַת קַלְקָלָתוֹ

[Translation, with numerals added] (i) Do not appease your friend in his time of anger; (ii) do not comfort him while his dead still lies before him; (iii) do not ask him about his vow the moment he makes it; and (iv) do not endeavor to see him at the time of his degradation.

Of these teachings, the second is right on our topic. It’s practical advice too. Don’t get into someone’s hair while they are trying to organize the funeral of a loved one. With family members often separated from one another by entire continents and time zones, arranging a Jewish funeral nowadays often involves not only dealing with the chevra kadisha—the burial society—but with making urgent arrangements to transport the deceased to Israel. At times like this, it can be distracting for a mourning relative to face a battery of kindly and well-meant expressions of sympathy. You might even antagonize and anger him (Rabbenu Yonah). The commentary ascribed to Rashi gives a different practical explanation: the mourner’s grief and distress before the burial will be so great that he will be unable to absorb any consolation. As R’ Reuven P. Bulka puts it: “The wound is too fresh, the shock too deep and the receptivity too shallow” (in Chapters of the Sages).

But is this the message of the mishnah? Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski (Visions of the Fathers) clearly thinks so:

“The truths of this mishnah are so self-evident that they do not require any commentary …The teaching of this mishnah is that one should always apply sechel (common sense) in relating to others”.

With respect to this position, which is taken by several commentators (including Rambam himself), I feel reluctant to accept it. It’s not normal practice among Tannaim to preserve as a teaching something that is so obvious that it needs no explanation. So do the words mean more than what we take at face value? And, if so, what? The Me’iri (Beit HaBechirah) has something to add: he takes all four teachings of R’ Shimon together as warning us that doing the right thing is only half the story: we have to get our timing right. The best of words or actions can cause untold distress if delivered at the wrong time.

I wonder whether, in contemporary society, we might add even more. Our words and deeds have an impact on not just others but on ourselves. If we get our timing wrong and our words or actions are regarded as being intrusive or inappropriate, we mind find our best intentions “rewarded” with an angry or hostile response. Feeling upset or embarrassed, we may in turn be discouraged from having another go and neglect important mitzvot when next the opportunity to perform them arises.

In the context of war, there is a further dimension to comforting mourners that we should bear in mind. Sadly there are many people mourning those who were massacred on 7 October as well as soldiers who have fallen since. Their deaths are painful to us all because they have been killed as Jews and/or Israelis. But there are also people who have died of old age and natural causes. We must be on our guard not to think of these as second-class deaths. To those who are left behind to mourn, the loss of a loved one is painful and cannot be repaired—whether that person fell gallantly in battle or died peacefully in
bed. We must not let the nature of death govern the quality of our comfort and condolences to those who are left behind.