Death is a virtually inevitable consequence of warfare, whether brought about by the use of weapons, disruption of healthcare services, suicide or anything else. While Pirkei Avot makes numerous references to being judged after one’s death and to the World to Come, it has relatively little to say about how we—mourners, survivors and comforters—should go about our task.
R’ Shimon ben Elazar (Avot 4:23) does however have some practical
guidance for us, teaching us this:
אַל תְּרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרֶֽךָ בְּשַֽׁעַת
כַּעֲסוֹ, וְאַל תְּנַחֲמֵֽהוּ בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁמֵּתוֹ מֻטָּל לְפָנָיו, וְאַל תִּשְׁאַל
לוֹ בְּשַֽׁעַת נִדְרוֹ, וְאַל תִּשְׁתַּדֵּל לִרְאוֹתוֹ בְּשַֽׁעַת קַלְקָלָתוֹ
[Translation, with numerals added] (i)
Do not appease your friend in his time of anger; (ii) do not comfort him while
his dead still lies before him; (iii) do not ask him about his vow the moment
he makes it; and (iv) do not endeavor to see him at the time of his degradation.
Of these teachings, the second is right on our topic. It’s practical advice
too. Don’t get into someone’s hair while they are trying to organize the
funeral of a loved one. With family members often separated from one another by
entire continents and time zones, arranging a Jewish funeral nowadays often
involves not only dealing with the chevra kadisha—the burial society—but
with making urgent arrangements to transport the deceased to Israel. At times
like this, it can be distracting for a mourning relative to face a battery of
kindly and well-meant expressions of sympathy. You might even antagonize and anger
him (Rabbenu Yonah). The commentary ascribed to Rashi gives a different
practical explanation: the mourner’s grief and distress before the burial will be
so great that he will be unable to absorb any consolation. As R’ Reuven P.
Bulka puts it: “The wound is too fresh, the shock too deep and the receptivity
too shallow” (in Chapters of the Sages).
But is this the message of the mishnah? Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski (Visions
of the Fathers) clearly thinks so:
“The truths of this mishnah are so self-evident
that they do not require any commentary …The teaching of this mishnah is that
one should always apply sechel (common sense) in relating to others”.
With respect to this position, which is taken by several commentators (including
Rambam himself), I feel reluctant to accept it. It’s not normal practice among
Tannaim to preserve as a teaching something that is so obvious that it needs no
explanation. So do the words mean more than what we take at face value? And, if
so, what? The Me’iri (Beit HaBechirah) has something to add: he takes
all four teachings of R’ Shimon together as warning us that doing the right
thing is only half the story: we have to get our timing right. The best of
words or actions can cause untold distress if delivered at the wrong time.
In the context of war, there is a further dimension to comforting mourners
that we should bear in mind. Sadly there are many people mourning those who were
massacred on 7 October as well as soldiers who have fallen since. Their deaths
are painful to us all because they have been killed as Jews and/or Israelis.
But there are also people who have died of old age and natural causes. We must
be on our guard not to think of these as second-class deaths. To those who are
left behind to mourn, the loss of a loved one is painful and cannot be repaired—whether
that person fell gallantly in battle or died peacefully in
bed. We must not let
the nature of death govern the quality of our comfort and condolences to those
who are left behind.
