With great respect! Honouring others today

The background

It is inevitable that some bits of Pirkei Avot are more popular and more frequently cited than others. Even within the same mishnah some teachings are clearly more favoured. A good example is Avot 4:1, where Ben Zoma asks and answers four questions: who is (i) wise, (ii) strong, (iii) rich and (iv) honoured? Modern writers tend to cite and discuss the first three questions much more frequently than the fourth.

A possible explanation of this bias is that we are daily more concerned with matters of wisdom and the acquisition of knowledge, with inner and outward strength and with wealth than we are with issues involving honour. The notion of according honour to others does have a somewhat archaic, almost chivalric, sound to it—and, in days gone by, honour was something to which a person was principally entitled by virtue of status. Thus honour was part of the package of benefits to which one might be entitled if one were a monarch, the kohen gadol (high priest), a regular kohen, a Torah scholar, someone who had reached an advanced age, or a parent.

The Hebrew text of the fourth part of Avot 4:1 opens with:

אֵיזֶהוּ מְכֻבָּד, הַמְּכַבֵּד אֶת הַבְּרִיּוֹת

This is usually translated along the lines of “Who is the person who is honoured? The one who honours [other] people”.

There then follows a proof verse:

שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: כִּי מְכַבְּדַי אֲכַבֵּד וּבֹזַי יֵקָֽלּוּ

As it is said: “For those who honour Me I will honour, and those who treat Me insultingly, they will be made light of” (I Samuel 2:30).

The problem

The word translated in this mishnah as “honour” is kavod. The accuracy of this translation is beyond challenge and it is accepted in all the leading translations of Pirkei Avot. However, there is a problem in terms of colloquial nuance. “Honour” is a word that suggests in many circumstances something special and perhaps unusual; it not a term that crops up on a daily basis in our speech. This means that the relevance of Ben Zoma’s teaching in our everyday lives is minimised.

Ben Zoma clearly did not intend the word kavod to apply only to kings, high priests, parents and lofty personages. This is plain from his stipulation that the person who is honoured is one who honours all other people: the object of one’s kavodis beriot (literally “creations”), meaning “all other people by virtue of the fact that they have been created, not by virtue of their status or office”.

Many years ago Rabbi David Rowe suggested to me that the word kavod might in many contexts be more appropriately translated as “respect”, and it seems to me that this meaning of the word works very well here. While we may think it strange—and even somewhat facetious--to speak of the need to “honour” a storekeeper, taxi driver, waitress, healthcare receptionist or bank clerk, it makes good sense to view our relationships with them in terms of respect. And if we respect them in the way we speak to them and deal with them, it is unsurprising that they should reciprocate by treating us with respect too, even if this does not automatically on every single occasion.

The questions

How, then, should we go about respecting other people? I’ve listed some random suggestions below. Of the items listed, some are already included elsewhere in Pirkei Avot or are arguably mitzvot in their own right. They are, in no particular order:

• Greet others in a pleasant manner.
• Address others by their name if you know it, but don't call them by their first name where it would be inappropriate to do so.
• Speak to others in a calm tone of voice, regardless of one’s mood.
• Don’t stare into space or check your phone when someone is speaking to your face.
• Don’t interrupt others but let them finish what they are saying before you next speak.
• Don’t put the phone down on someone before the conversation is concluded.
• If you disagree with others, at least offer to give them a reason.If you are unable to keep a promise made to another person, tell that person rather than let them find out for themselves.
• When you have an appointment or are meeting someone at a specified time, do not be late and keep the other person waiting.

This is an “entry level” list, to apply to everyone else. Obviously, one may be obliged to do more when dealing with people whose status entitles them to receive a greater degree of respect, or even actual honour. Do you agree with these suggestions—and can you add to them?