Loving rebukes: what does this mean?

One of the 48 ways of acquiring Torah, listed in Avot 6:6, is "loving rebukes". Most commentaries have relatively little to say about the fascinating topic of tochachah, so I've put some thoughts of my own in writing, drawing on traditional Torah scholarship too. My thoughts (so far) run along the following lines:

For many people, being rebuked by others can be a painful experience. The fact that the person who administers the rebuke loves the person who receives it and cares greatly for their welfare makes no difference. This is perfectly natural. A child will frequently cry when told off by a parent, even in gentle tones, and a teenager may explode with anger: these reactions are innate and remain with us in later life, though we ideally learn to control them as we become more mature. 

Not all rebukes are received in the same way. A person learning drive may receive a stern admonition from the driving instructor along the lines of “What you just did was really careless. If you do that again, you could do yourself serious harm and even kill yourself”. The response to such a rebuke is usually one of gratitude which is genuinely felt and sincerely expressed. However, when we are seeking to perform a mitzvah and a stranger rebukes us for doing it incorrectly, our response is often quite different. A whole range of possible responses flashes through our minds. For example: (i) “this is what I’ve always done in the past and no-one has ever complained before”; (ii) “this is how my rabbi/teacher/chavruta said I should do it, so it’s not my fault”; (iii) “what makes you think you are right and I am wrong anyway?”  It is only when all the other options have been considered and rejected that we might concede that we were in need of rebuke  and then try to summon up some begrudging gratitude. 

If we are honest with ourselves, this contrast between our reactions to the rebuke of the driving instructor and that of the stranger pinpoints a failure in our own priorities. The avoidance of errors when we drive, however commendable, is a matter that concerns our physical integrity in this World. However, our ability to perform a mitzvah or escape from transgressing an averah may have repercussions for the eternal life of a Jewish soul in the World to Come. On this basis we should welcome the rebuke from the stranger with at least as much warmth as we welcome the guidance of our driving instructor. We should feel happy.  And if a person can truly say that he loves the Torah, it is reasonable to assume that this love will rub off on to someone who points him back on to any path of Torah learning from which he has wandered.

Everyone makes mistakes—even the greatest chacham, armed with a vast array of Torah learning—and this has been the lot of man since the Creation. However, someone who truly values the greatness of his Torah learning and will welcome being put right. Acting on a rebuke that one has received may also constitute the mitzvah of repentance.

A person should love to rebuke himself, and also love to administer rebukes to others  and not worry that this requirement is in conflict with an earlier item on the list, that one must be loved by others.  It is easy to make oneself unpopular by telling others that they are making mistakes; it is far simpler to smile winningly at them, retaining their friendship and thinking to oneself “I’m all right, even if they aren’t. Why should I risk incurring their wrath by telling them?” This is not the way to behave if you love another person, and this is why a good parent is prepared to risk a flood of tears from an infant rather than condone the eating of candies at bedtime and after the child’s teeth have been brushed for the night.

If you have any comments or reflections on the foregoing, do please share them!