Middot at war 2: words that wound

My contribution to Israel’s war with Hamas is a small one. As chair of the vaad bayit, the management committee for our apartment block in Jerusalem, I share responsibility for the safety and maintenance of the building—and it is I who am answerable to my neighbours for the decisions we take and the way we implement them.

In times of peace there is little friction in the building. Our disputes are usually small and easy to resolve. At this time of war, however, nerves are frayed and tempers displayed even by residents who are normally placid.

In the past three weeks I have been at the receiving end of two things that feature in Pirkei Avot. One is tochachah (“rebuke”), the other being elbon (“insult”).  We are supposed to love rebuke (Avot 6:6) since embracing rebuke is a way in which we can improve ourselves and, in the case of someone who studies Torah, make ourselves more amenable to acquiring Torah. As for insults, Rabbi Meir promises (Avot 6:1) that one of the benefits derived by someone who studies Torah for its own sake and not for personal gain is that he will be able to forgive insults.

How does this work out in practice? Over the past three weeks, wearing my vaad bayit hat, I have had many opportunities to consider what it means to me.

In the first place, when a neighbour is so angry that he is shouting at you and, far from respecting your personal space, is standing so close that you can feel the heat of his breath, it is not easy to keep one’s cool and separate the words from the person who speaks them. They may be well-deserved words of rebuke or gratuitous abuse, and it is the words to which Avot alludes, not their speaker. As for the person who delivers the rebuke/insult, Avot reminds us that we cannot judge him if we are not standing in his place (per Hillel at 2:5).

So what do I do? The most difficult thing to do is to keep one’s own cool. The temptation to shout back is very great and hard to resist, particularly when you are certain that you are in the right and that any criticism or abuse is undeserved. But Avot reminds us that one should be slow to anger (Avot 5:14), following the example of God (Avot 5:2, 5:3).

I cannot pretend even to myself that I am not hurt at all by criticism, especially when it is justified, and I cannot pretend that I am not stung by insults and abuse. So what I now do is to allow myself to feel the pain—but only for a short and limited period—and then tell myself that, having felt the pain and been genuinely annoyed, the time has come to move on. If a criticism is justified, my job is to be grateful for it and to express that gratitude, disagreeable though this may sometimes be. And if it is not justified, I should explain why this is so and thank the rebuker for taking the trouble to correct me even though, in the event, the rebuke missed the mark.

As for insults, there’s no need to be grateful for them and it certainly doesn’t help to retaliate in like kind. But, in the quiet of my own mind, I do try now to make an effort to see what motivated them and ask if there is any better way to make myself insult-proof.

As a footnote to this piece, I am happy to report that, at least at the time of posting it, we are all on good terms with each other. The issues that divide us are infinitely smaller than the things that bind us together, thank God.