A thought for St Valentine's Day

Should Jews mark St Valentine’s Day by sending greeting cards and gifts to those whom they love or with whom they wish to enter a relationship?  

The practice of celebrating this day is of ancient provenance and, while it is recognized as a feast day in some Christian churches, it shares with Christmas the distinction of being widely observed in western society by people who do not practice Christianity and who may indeed belong to other religions—or no religion at all. Given the increased prevalence of sexually suggestive or explicit Valentine cards, the day may more closely reflect the celebration of the Roman Lupercalia from which it has been said to originate.

Writing on Aish.com, Dr Yvette Alt Miller (“Valentine’s Day Difficult History with Jews”) powerfully argues that Jews should have nothing to do with the day. She writes:

Prof. Beard notes that “ancient Roman religion (was not) particularly concerned with personal salvation or morality. Instead it mainly focused on the performance of rituals that were intended to keep the relationship between Rome and the gods in good order....” [citation omitted]. It’s a view that’s opposed to contemporaneous Jewish writings. Take the example of Hillel, the 1st Century CE Jewish sage who lived at a time when Lupercalia was a major event. Hillel – like many Jewish thinkers – focused intensely on the human struggle for self-improvement. “Be among the disciples of Aaron, loving peace and pursuing peace, loving people and bringing them closer to the Torah,” Hillel advised (Ethics of the Fathers 1:12), invoking the Biblical forefather Aaron, who was known to spend his time reconciling friends and relatives after quarrels. While Jewish writers were urging people to look inward for personal growth and improvement, Romans observing Lupercalia were relying on empty (and pretty bawdy) ritual to magically bring about improvements in their personal states.

After explaining why the day has not been a happy one for the Jewish people and advocating Tu be’Av as a perfectly adequate substitute for practising Jews, she concludes:

With so much about Valentine’s Day anathema to Jewish values, Valentine’s Day isn’t a holiday I feel comfortable celebrating. So this Valentine’s Day – like every day – I plan on enjoying a nice meal with my husband and son. I plan on texting friends and relatives to check in on them. I intend to reach out to friends who are having a hard time and ask how I can help. Because if there’s anything being Jewish has taught me, it’s that connecting with other people is paramount, that the world is full of blessings, and it's up to all of us to choose to see and appreciate them.

Cantor Cheryl Wunsch (“Laws of Love”, Alyth.org.uk, 2015) disagrees. Having argued that St Valentines Day as we know it today has no religious significance she writes:

[Valentine’s Day was originally] a celebration of faith, and today, it’s a celebration of love.  Which are, in essence, the same thing.  Faith in God means faith in each other, faith in ourselves, and faith in love and compassion to always lead us in the right direction.  And so on this Valentine’s Day, let’s remember that our laws are really all about love.  To paraphrase the famous passage from Pirkei Avot [Hillel, at Avot 2:6]; in a world where it often seems like there are few true human beings, we as Jews must always strive to be loving, compassionate people.  That is what the mitzvot truly teach us.

 So here we see mishnayot from Pirkei Avot invoked on both sides of the argument, both of which we learn in the name of Hillel.

I believe that neither citation hits the mark. Of course, loving peace and pursuing peace (Avot 1:12) are an integral part of a Jew’s self-development, but this is such a general proposition that it can be invoked in support of both sides of the argument. And as for the paraphrase of Avot 2:6 (“….and where there is no man, strive to be a man”), can it be said that “we as Jews must always strive to be loving, compassionate people” has anything to do with marking St Valentine Day or not? Is there only one day in the year in which we can be loving and compassionate? Is this not a daily demand that is made of us?

Two mishnayot in Avot seem to me to be worthy of closer consideration within the context of St Valentines Day.

The first is an anonymous teaching at Avot 5:19:

כָּל אַהֲבָה שֶׁהִיא תְלוּיָה בְדָבָר, בָּטֵל דָּבָר בְּטֵלָה אַהֲבָה, וְשֶׁאֵינָהּ תְּלוּיָה בְדָבָר, אֵינָהּ בְּטֵלָה לְעוֹלָם

Any love that depends on a specific thing, when that thing goes the love goes too. But where that love does not depend on any specific cause, it will never cease.

In other words, if your love is contingent on you sending the right card, choosing the right restaurant or selecting the optimal movie on a particular calendar date, then is it really love?

The second, admittedly, is of general application, but it strikes me as being particularly apt here. At Avot 2: R’ Yose HaKohen teaches:

כָל מַעֲשֶֽׂיךָ יִהְיוּ לְשֵׁם שָׁמָֽיִם

Let all your actions be for the sake of Heaven.

This is a litmus test, a way we can measure up the things we do. How far do our actions measure up to our aspirations, and those of God? Unlike Valentine, we are not saints. We cannot be perfect in everything we do, and most normal human beings don’t even try—but if they are sensitive to the wishes of Heaven, they usually do their best not to go out of their way to snub or ignore them. So let’s put aside the issues of whether St Valentines Day has any inherent or residual religious content, and of whether Jewish law permits or forbids its recognition—and let’s ask ourselves: “Why am I about to celebrate this day? Are my motives honourable? And how do I think God will feel about me?”