The mishnah
that people find most provocative is not difficult to find. At Avot 1:5 Yose
ben Yochanan Ish Yerushalayim says:
יְהִי בֵיתְךָ
פָּתֽוּחַ לִרְוָחָה, וְיִהְיוּ עֲנִיִּים בְּנֵי בֵיתְךָ, וְאַל תַּרְבֶּה
שִׂיחָה עִם הָאִשָּׁה, בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ אָמְרוּ, קַל וָחֹֽמֶר בְּאֵֽשֶׁת חֲבֵרוֹ.
מִכַּאן אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים: כָּל הַמַּרְבֶּה שִׂיחָה עִם הָאִשָּׁה, גּוֹרֵם רָעָה
לְעַצְמוֹ, וּבוֹטֵל מִדִּבְרֵי תוֹרָה, וְסוֹפוֹ יוֹרֵשׁ גֵּיהִנֹּם
[Translation] Let your home be wide open, and let the poor be members of
your household. But do not engage in excessive conversation with a woman. This
is said even regarding one's own wife—how much more so regarding the wife of
another. Hence, the sages say: one who engages excessively in conversation with
a woman causes evil upon himself, neglects the study of Torah, and in the end will
inherit Gehinnom.
It's easy
to see why these words might trigger offence, and not just among women. Men and
women in contemporary society speak together on an unlimited range of topics
and in a vast array of circumstances without any thought of impropriety, so why
should the Tanna assume that conversations—whether short, medium or long—should
cause any sexual immorality? Are people’s morals so low? And have they so great
an appetite and so little self-control?
A recently published book, Reclaiming
Dignity: A Guide to Tzniut for Men and Women, sets out to explain the
halachic basis on which men and women should coexist in Jewish society today.
In doing so it has not given itself the luxury of ducking any issues, which is
why it has had to address this increasingly unpopular mishnah. This is how the
authors open their discussion:
“The Rabbis warned about certain modes of social interaction that can
lead us into dangerous situations. Idle banter between men and women in certain
settings can easily become sexually suggestive, opening up possibilities for
seduction and potentially destructive relationships.
It is clear that the Rabbis never prohibited men and women from speaking
to each other in regular societal interactions that are free from sexual
tension and innuendo. Nevertheless, the starting point of any conversation
about interaction and mixing between men and women, or boys and girls, must be
an awareness that la’petach chattat rovetz” (Bereshit 4:7). Even though
we are capable of overcoming temptation in our daily lives, sin crouches at the
doorways of social interactions, and the dangers of the slippery slope are
real.
However, the Rabbis were also deeply cognizant of two other
meta-principles that impact on this area: First, that the honest intentions of
individuals can be a major factor, and second, that the specific safeguards
that are needed and appropriate will depend to a significant extent on how
normal it is in that society for men and women to mix, and consequently, the
effect that such mixing will have on their social interactions…”
There then
follows a lengthy but mature and well-balanced discussion of mixing and social
interaction between the sexes in Jewish circles, in which halachah is neither hidden
from view nor demonised. Rather, a number of rabbinical statements that prohibit,
restrict or permit such interactions are placed within their context. This
chapter also addresses the psychological elements that affect a person’s
behaviour, such as habituation and, at the opposite extreme, hypersensitivity.
Ultimately,
whatever the halachic norms, we depend in the real world on two things:
self-control and good education. A person who can exercise self-control and who
understands and appreciates the value of the norms of acceptable behaviour within
his or her community will be better able to create and sustain friendships and
relationships.
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Reclaiming
Dignity: A Guide to Tzniut for Men and Women, a compilation of essays edited by Bracha
Poliakoff and with a halachic analysis by Rabbi Anthony Manning, was published
earlier this year by Mosaica Press, Inc.
