Don't touch, don't even talk?

As an enthusiastic promoter of Pirkei Avot, I spend a lot of time, and even more thought, in trying to make its advice and guidance both relevant and useful in this current version of our ever-changing world. Only occasionally do I find myself on the back foot, having to defend a mishnah or baraita from critics who take the words of the Tannaim literally, seek to distort them or deem them to be simply inapplicable or irrelevant in the world we share today.

The mishnah that people find most provocative is not difficult to find. At Avot 1:5 Yose ben Yochanan Ish Yerushalayim says:

יְהִי בֵיתְךָ פָּתֽוּחַ לִרְוָחָה, וְיִהְיוּ עֲנִיִּים בְּנֵי בֵיתְךָ, וְאַל תַּרְבֶּה שִׂיחָה עִם הָאִשָּׁה, בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ אָמְרוּ, קַל וָחֹֽמֶר בְּאֵֽשֶׁת חֲבֵרוֹ. מִכַּאן אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים: כָּל הַמַּרְבֶּה שִׂיחָה עִם הָאִשָּׁה, גּוֹרֵם רָעָה לְעַצְמוֹ, וּבוֹטֵל מִדִּבְרֵי תוֹרָה, וְסוֹפוֹ יוֹרֵשׁ גֵּיהִנֹּם

[Translation] Let your home be wide open, and let the poor be members of your household. But do not engage in excessive conversation with a woman. This is said even regarding one's own wife—how much more so regarding the wife of another. Hence, the sages say: one who engages excessively in conversation with a woman causes evil upon himself, neglects the study of Torah, and in the end will inherit Gehinnom.

It's easy to see why these words might trigger offence, and not just among women. Men and women in contemporary society speak together on an unlimited range of topics and in a vast array of circumstances without any thought of impropriety, so why should the Tanna assume that conversations—whether short, medium or long—should cause any sexual immorality? Are people’s morals so low? And have they so great an appetite and so little self-control?

 A recently published book, Reclaiming Dignity: A Guide to Tzniut for Men and Women, sets out to explain the halachic basis on which men and women should coexist in Jewish society today. In doing so it has not given itself the luxury of ducking any issues, which is why it has had to address this increasingly unpopular mishnah. This is how the authors open their discussion:

“The Rabbis warned about certain modes of social interaction that can lead us into dangerous situations. Idle banter between men and women in certain settings can easily become sexually suggestive, opening up possibilities for seduction and potentially destructive relationships.

It is clear that the Rabbis never prohibited men and women from speaking to each other in regular societal interactions that are free from sexual tension and innuendo. Nevertheless, the starting point of any conversation about interaction and mixing between men and women, or boys and girls, must be an awareness that la’petach chattat rovetz” (Bereshit 4:7). Even though we are capable of overcoming temptation in our daily lives, sin crouches at the doorways of social interactions, and the dangers of the slippery slope are real.

However, the Rabbis were also deeply cognizant of two other meta-principles that impact on this area: First, that the honest intentions of individuals can be a major factor, and second, that the specific safeguards that are needed and appropriate will depend to a significant extent on how normal it is in that society for men and women to mix, and consequently, the effect that such mixing will have on their social interactions…”

There then follows a lengthy but mature and well-balanced discussion of mixing and social interaction between the sexes in Jewish circles, in which halachah is neither hidden from view nor demonised. Rather, a number of rabbinical statements that prohibit, restrict or permit such interactions are placed within their context. This chapter also addresses the psychological elements that affect a person’s behaviour, such as habituation and, at the opposite extreme, hypersensitivity.

Ultimately, whatever the halachic norms, we depend in the real world on two things: self-control and good education. A person who can exercise self-control and who understands and appreciates the value of the norms of acceptable behaviour within his or her community will be better able to create and sustain friendships and relationships.

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Reclaiming Dignity: A Guide to Tzniut for Men and Women, a compilation of essays edited by Bracha Poliakoff and with a halachic analysis by Rabbi Anthony Manning, was published earlier this year by Mosaica Press, Inc.