Growing up to be a man ... of sorts

As I write these words I find myself in the happy and (for me) unusual position of occupying a space between the barmitzvah of two grandsons whose coming-of-age celebrations take place on successive weeks.

Pirkei Avot notes without comment (at 5:25) that a male becomes formally subject to the laws of the Torah once he attains the age of 13. But is that all that can be said on the subject? I think not.

Earlier in Avot (2:6) Hillel teaches that "in a place where there is no man, one should strive to be a man". This is generally understood as an exhortation to rank-and-file Jewry to stand up and be counted when need be, to take a necessary initiative or to seize the reins of communal leadership when no-one else is man enough to do so. Strangely enough, some of the most obvious examples of this maxim being put into practice involve women (Zipporah, Deborah, Esther), not men -- but that's a topic for another day.

It occurred to me that Hillel's advice applies to barmitzvah boys too. Yes, once they reach the age of responsibility they are "men" -- but no, they are still not yet the finished article and from now on the task of completion lies with them too, and no longer solely with their parents.

For me this reality is symbolised by the appearance of almost every barmitzvah boy on the day he is first called to a reading of the Torah. In circles where suits are still worn, he will nearly always be wearing a suit that is a little bit too big for him (since buying a suit for a boy going through a growing spurt is an exercise in shooting at a moving target); his shirt collar too will hang a little loosely around his neck. This is a visible sign of our expectation that he still has some way to go -- and we know that this is true not only in physical terms but also in his emotional, intellectual and spiritual growth.

The barmitzvah boy truly is a man -- but only an "entry-level" man with much ahead of him in terms of growing into the fully-fledged mature adult we all wish him to be. So, to give a little tweak to Hillel's teaching, we can read it as an address to every barmitzvah boy: in the very place where you are standing -- that is the place from which you must strive to fulfil your potential and be the man that is still concealed within you. If you look into the mirror and don't see the man you want to be, now is the time to begin work on becoming that man.